Praying For Hope: What hope?

Monday, June 29, 2009

What hope?

Do you ever wonder if God is listening? Do you ever wonder if the idea of a God who shares in our concerns - whether everything written in the Bible - was simply created to help an ancient people have some anchor to latch on to in a harsh and uncertain life? Do you ever wonder if we're deluding ourselves right now by telling ourselves that God is closest to us in our blackest hours, guiding us, praying over us?

How do we know He cares? Really. Faith? Yes, I suppose there's that, but who's to say that faith isn't some sort of mass delusion?

Ignore my rambling. It's the disappointment talking. Every so often I get to a point where I question whether God truly cares. If He did, then why the suffering? I don't understand it. Why? To teach me a lesson? To make me a better person? To help me appreciate other things more? To lead me in another direction? Why? There are easier ways, ways that don't involve riding a perpetual roller coaster with no ride attendant in sight.

I used to be a much happier and more level person before all of this cr**. I wasn't bitter. I was optimistic. I knew my future. I didn't ache for something that I will never have. How? How is this supposed to teach me anything? What am I supposed to learn from it?

God, you made me human. You have to understand that. I'm going to behave like a human when things like this come my way. I'm only being what you made me. It's the only thing I know how to be. I'm not a saint. I'm not an angel. I'm not You. I prefer my signs written in black and white and pointing me in some unmistakable direction. I can't understand Your directions, and I'm to the point where I want to stop trying. If you wanted me to follow You without question, then You needed to make me something other than what I am. Or You need to give me a map. I'll follow, but you can't keep leading me on.

Stupidly, I'll continue trying. I'll continue praying in the desparate hope that if I only wait a little longer, He'll have an answer for me - preferably in the form of a baby - or that He'll take away this need so I can live in peace again.

If you're wondering what brought on this particular break down, I post on a forum on the Baby Center (Canada) website for women who are over 35 and trying. One of the ladies has just announced her BFP. We were born on the same day. This is her first natural cycle after two successive failed IVFs and after being diagnosed with diminished ovarian reserve. She and her husband were on a break before they pursued IVF through donor eggs. They are unexpectedly pregnant and they did it on their own. You'd think this would give me hope . . . it should. It should but it doesn't. All I see is that I'm being left behind once again. I have no hope. My blog name "Praying for Hope" is a joke right now. I have none.

There are . . . what, two other women on that board who currently aren't pregnant. All of the others are pregnant or have had their children: Erin, Lori, Dana, Karen, Colette, Mindy, Kim, Beth, Kelly, Healy, Yogi, Robin, Jen, Stephanie, May, Susie, Shelly, Bobbie, Camille, Jayna, Jodi, Sherese, Wendy. The only ones left besides me are Cilla, Kristi, Anita, and Jo - and Anita and Jo have given up. I'm left behind. Again. Again and again and again. There's only so much disappointment a person can take. I feel like I've fallen through the cracks. Robin's announcement has sent me to the edge.

Like I said, I will naively continue praying for hope in the belief that maybe God does care. About me. Maybe He has a plan for me which He'll reveal shortly if I'm patient. Maybe my prayers aren't a bunch of words, hopes, pleas dissipating into thin air the moment they're expressed. I have to believe He cares.

4 comments:

prayerfuljourney said...: I believe with all my heart that God cares. I know it. God cared about His son and look what Jesus had to endure. IF is nothing like that....we have to carry this cross the best we can and I'm learning...not to question God and His intentions. I don't understand the answers and not sure I ever will. It's taken me a long time to realize that this is what I need to work on. I trust in Jesus and I love Him. God has His plan and I trust that whatever happens on this journey...it's for the best because it's what God wants. It's hard...no doubt...my time is different from God's time. I just can try my best, be prayerful and loving.
All my friends have children...I know that feeling of being alone and the one and only...I think I just deal with it now. Not much else I can do. God bless!; June 29, 2009 at 2:22 PM
keep calm and carry on... said...: i was questioning suffering yesterday after mass and hearing the Gospel, readings and of course the sermon which was all about God not wanting us to suffer.. it' s not what he wants....etc..

the entire way home i was talking about it with my husband. all he could tell me is that it's for the greater good - whose greater good? who is benefiting from my infertility but it is us. like prayerful says we don't know God's time or his will but just have to carry the cross we are given.

it never gets easier being lapped. oddly enough i had an email from an old friend today that i just have recently told about our infertility and her sister in law is dealing with it too. i feel bad for the sister in law, but my friend is one who lapped me - early. i'd been married 6 years, and she... 6 months. awesome.

it will get better - i'll be praying for your hope to return for you :); June 29, 2009 at 4:41 PM
Living Advent said...: I sometimes wonder all the same things and have trouble hoping and then I remember that my doubt is satan trying to get me. I'm praying for you right now and will keep you in my prayers.; June 29, 2009 at 11:43 PM
A said...: I think we all have wondered all of these things you mention. It is definitely a dark day when you're (I'm) carrying the weight of these quesions!! Back only a couple months ago, before I saw the specialist, I felt that I couldn't discern God's plan for us either, and it drove me nuts. I wanted so badly to follow the path to our family that He had in mind, but I could not delineate the different options. Once I saw the RE and learned about the progesterone issue, I honestly felt like it was a nudge from God. In one morning, I felt like God had given me something to move towards. I can't say for sure that He definitely has a baby at the end of this road, but I pray that He'll come into your life in the same way and point you in a recognizable direction!!; June 30, 2009 at 10:13 AM

TTC History

9/1/2007 - Married to a perfect man.

10/28/2007 - Started the never ending road of TTC at the tender age of 37. How many other people do you know who can name the exact date they started trying for a baby?

3/12/2007 - Decided my husband and I weren't getting anywhere on our own in TTC and and that it was time to look for someone who could help.

4/10/2008 - Attended our first CreightonModel Fertility Care class and started tracking my cycle.

4/25/2008 - Had our first one-on-one session with our FertilityCare practitioner. We learned a lot. She suggested an appointment with one of the practice doctors, Dr. Mark Stegman, a skilled Napro doctor and surgeon, we took her up on the offer. We might be able to get an appointment some time in August.

4/28/2008 - Got a call from a receptionist from Dr. Stegman's office. Could I come in next week? Yes!

5/5/2008 - My first appointment with Dr. Stegman. He was very thorough in discussing our options and a potential plan of action for us. We'll begin with blood work to establish a hormone profile series in my next cycle.

5/2008 - Blood work every other day for two weeks. The nurse at the front desk knew me by sight by the time we were done. I nearly passed out at the payment desk on the day they took 10 vials of blood. That was pleasant. Did I mention that I hate needles?

5/27/2008 - Our first seminal analysis (SA). We're not keen on the special condom meant for the job.

6/30/2008 - Our follow up appointment with Dr. Stegman to learn about the results of our tests and where we go from there. My blood work looks good. My husband's SA looks good, too, except for forward progression. We scored a 1+. I believe 2+ is the preferred score. Dr. S recommends Proxeed. He also tells us he wants to schedule a selective hysterosalpingogram, a hysteroscopy, and a laproscopy some time late summer or early fall.

7/30/2008 - Being too cheap to shell out over $600 for a 6-month supply of Proxeed, my husband and I opt for the generic equivalent. It's a lot of vitamins, but it's much kinder to our wallet.

9/8/2008 - I have the preliminary exam, blood work, and tests prior to my surgery. I'm so nervous, I'm about ready to run screaming out the door, down the steps, across the parking lot, and straight home so I can hide under the bed with the dog. It's a miracle that I don't.

9/9/2008 - I have the SHSG, hysteroscopy, and laparoscopy and, much to my surprise, I survive. My tubes are good (woo hoo!), and I have no adhesions. Dr. S removes three polyps and "quite a bit" of endometriosis. It doesn't look that bad in the pictures of the surgery. It's fascinating to see what I look like from the inside out.

9/10/2008 - 9/12/2008 - I look like Shamu.

10/30/2008 - We're told that everything from the surgery looks good. The scars will fade over the coming months. We're to try to make a baby on our own for the next 6 months. Dr. S calls this "the fun part."

1/30/2009 - We have another appointment with our FertilityCare practioner (we've had quite a few before this, but I haven't mentioned them). She thinks Dr. Stegman might try me on Clomid as a next step. I hope it's Femara. It's not nearly as drying.

2/3/2009 - We have our second SA. We're still not keen on the condom.

3/4/2009 - This is fun?

3/27/2009 - The scars from the laparoscopy are nearly gone. Oh, and I'm 39.

4/9/2009 - Another appointment with Dr. Stegman. We learned the results of the SA. The numbers are no worse than the first - in fact some are much improved - but forward progression is no better. Our plan of action: optimize mucus by taking Mucinex twice a day from CD8 - P+1 plus 500 mg of extended release B6 daily for 2 months followed by 100 mg daily. DH is to make an appointment with a local urologist while Dr. S contacts a urologist in Philly with an interest in male infertility to learn if there is any more we could be doing. Next follow up: August.

4/29/2009 - We - or more like DH - had our urologist appointment. Official dianosis: nothing. No varicoceles, no prostate problems. Prescription: continue doing what we're doing. For this we needed a urologist?

5/29/2009 - Dr. S is booked for the month of August! They said they'd call when August opened up for appointments. I didn't hear the phone ring. September opens up next week. An additional month of nothing. I'm 39 - Methuselah in TTC years. How many months do I have left?

7/16/2009 - Ho hum.

7/24/2009 - Another FerterlityCare appointment. Our FertilityCare practitioner, Kim Lane, suggested that Dr. S may be taking his cue from me as to how aggressively we want to pursue treatment. I need to come up with a few new cues so we can get off the wait-and-see treadmill.

9/17/2009 - Another follow-up with Dr. Stegman. Our plan starting with the next cycle: 1) Limited hormonal profile, 2) An ultrasound series to monitor follicle development, 3) Ovulation stimulation (type and amount to be determined by the u/s series), 4) Food intolerance testing (is it ALCAT?), 5) Five cycles of Amoxicillin from CD8 - CD12 to improve CM.

9/28/2009 - The beginning of another hormone profile and, a new one for me, a follicular ultrasound study. This should be interesting provided I can keep track of all the appointments.

10/4/2009 - 5th ultrasound and three follicles! Can you imagine? So what does that make FSH?

11/11/2009 - Progesterone and Thyroid support! We had another appointment with Dr. S to discuss the test results and come up with another plan of action. FSH and LH were only 5.7 and 5.1 respectively - good levels, good ratio - but TSH and Reverse T3 were slightly high and progesterone plummeted afer P+5. Ovulation looks great, so no ovulation stimulation . . . yet. Ah, well.

12/8/2009 - I am a fertility magnet. Anyone in my vicinity will, given the opportunity, become pregnant within a year, TTC or not. Whether it be a 20 year old woman or an 80 year old man, it doesn't matter. All those around me, as long as they're not actually me, will have a child. I am blessed with an awesome power. . . . How do I reverse the polarity?

1/27/2010 - BFP. Stunned.

1/28/2010 - I called Dr. S's office the moment they opened. We have blood work this afternoon, 200mg of Progesterone, and a prenatal appointment. Prenatal. With a midwife. I'm really pregnant. Me.

1/29/2010 - P+17 numbers are hCG, 472, and Progesterone, 10.2. PIO twice a week, Mondays and Thursdays. I can’t sit down, but I’m too restless to care. The HPT was right.

2/1/2010 - You do not make a desperate, hormonal woman wait for P+21 hCG results! By the way, they're 1670. I'm limp with relief.

2/11/2010 - There’s a baby in there! Our first ultrasound. Junior is measuring 6 weeks, 1 day with a heart rate of 96 bpm.

2/16/2010 - Progesterone results from the last blood draw haven’t budged, so we’re adding daily progesterone suppositories to the twice a week injections. I’ll do whatever it takes.

3/2/2010 - Progesterone has risen to 27.4, zone 3! No PIO for now, just suppositories until the next blood draw in two weeks. If it still looks good (fingers crossed), we may be able to stop the suppositories. Knock on wood, knock on wood, knock on wood . . . .

3/27/2010 - New decade: I'm 40!

4/5/2010 - No more progesterone. The level at the last blood draw is 30 which I don't think sounds particularly high. If the experts are happy, I'm happy. And the results from the Down Syndrome screening came back: we're at no greater risk for Downs than anyone else. We're breathing again, until the next milestone at least.

5/18/2010 - It’s a mobile, little girl! Keep growing, kiddo.

10/11/2010 - Welcome Kathleen Elizabeth.