So this is perimenopause?

It's a lot like being pregnant except I wasn't nauseous when I was pregnant, and there's a distinct lack of baby. I' m moody, I'm having trouble sleeping, I am tired, tired, tired, I can't concentrate, I wake up roasting in the wee hours of the morning... what else? Oh, yes, my memory stinks. All in all, I'd rather be pregnant.

I suspected I was entering premenopausal more than a year ago when every other cycle ranged 15 days one month and 30 the next. I had my first skipped cycle at the beginning of the year starting, ironically, exactly 4 years from the date of the cycle that brought us our daughter. The only difference is that this pause lasted 45 days, and I was nauseous nearly every morning during that time. Who knew that would be a symptom? 

 I have no idea how long this will last. 3 years? 10? Heaven knows. It does clinch our decision to not try for more children. These degenerating eggs ... who knows what would happen? I wouldn't want to face that disappointment of trying and failing again, not when we're ahead of the game. 

It's a little hard knowing this part of my life is ending. I don't know how I'll react when the "peri" finishes with me and leaves a lifetime of "pause". I know we decided to stop at one child, but watching the door close on the opportunity to try for another even though we will never try for more is so final. I can't explain it.

No, I can. We want more. The opportunity for us to change our minds is passing. We never will, but choosing not to have another and no longer having that choice are two different animals even when the end result is the same.

Well, it is closing, and that is that. I'll need to suck it up. Like I said, we are ahead of the game. I will focus on that. We're much further than we'd ever imagined we could be.