Our baby ______

Well, hello, Kathleen. We’re having a little girl. An uncooperative little girl. She was moving around all over the place: back towards us, flipping over to her belly, doing a 180, arms above her head or at her chest, ankles crossed or by her head, thumb in her mouth, hands waving, giving me a few good kicks or curled up comfortably . . . . You’d think I’d have been able to feel something. Nope, nothing. It was like I was watching all this activity take place in someone else.

We were there for a good 90 minutes as Kathleen bopped her way this way and that. The ultrasound tech had problems getting the last few views she needed. Kathleen adamantly refused to flip so the tech could get a clear view of the tail end of her spine. At one point, it honestly looked like she was kicking toward the probe as if to say “go ‘way, leave me alone” like a petulant child. Like mother, like daughter.

DH was smiling. I love to see him smiling. He was looking for any problems but enjoying the show, as well. When he found out we’re having a daughter, he grinned. He looked so happy – excited – as has was saying how he couldn’t wait to put out Easter eggs for her to hunt. He’s going to be such a good daddy.

As strange as it sounds, we’re both mourning the loss of Matthew Alexander, the child that will never be. We’re happy to be having a little girl: we had no preference. But this is it. We stop at Kathleen. No more children for us, not at our age. If we'd learned we were having a little boy, it would be the same way, we'd be morning the loss of our little girl.

We are half way through today. Twenty weeks through; twenty to go. Another milestone reached. In another day or so, I’ll be worrying about the next. I truly do think 4 weeks in between appointments is too long. I thought I could do three weeks, but now I believe two would be better. I could just about handle every two weeks. Actually, once a week would be best, but we won’t have that for another few months. ‘Shame.