Praying For Hope: Embracing infertility? Not really.

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Embracing infertility? Not really.

I was reading a recent posting from The Infertile Mind, What infertility has given me....:

I don’t tend to be particularly grateful for infertility. I don’t think God is trying to teach me a lesson with it. I don’t think anyone should have to deal with it. I think it’s total bull****.

I couldn't agree more. I'm not grateful for infertility. I don't celebrate it. I don't appreciate the struggle in any way, shape, or form.

But I do appreciate the fact that I'm able to get through it a better person than I was the day before. I appreciate the empathy I've learned and the people I otherwise would never have met. I'm thankful for their understanding, their comments, their faith, and their beliefs. I am happy with the life - the love - with my husband that has continued to grow throughout the journey.

I can say with compete honesty that I never will embrace infertility itself, but I will always cherish the consequences: those things which make the journey bearable and the person I have become because of it.

6 comments:

prayerfuljourney said...: I don't think I can say I've "embraced" IF either...I'm just learning to live with it and move on with my life. I couldn't say I love it and I'm grateful for it...it's just something that has happened..it is what it is. I'm thankful that I a lot in my life to appreciate and wonderful people in my life (including bloggers) who have helped me on this journey too! Like those words you quoted..IF is not something I would ever wish on anyone..I wasn't deserving of this..there is no reason..it's just my life, the life God gave me and He wants me to do something good because of it. I hope that is what I am doing by becoming a teacher! Good post. :); January 12, 2010 at 9:32 PM
... said...: I think when (most) people say they are grateful for IF (or any other diagnosis, tragedy, life altering event), that is exactly what they mean. They are grateful for how they were able to handle it, the knowledge/awareness/empathy they gained from it, and the relationships that improved because of it.; January 12, 2010 at 11:38 PM
Sew said...: I totally get her quote but I wouldn't change my current situation if I had the power. Some days yes, but other days no. In this horrible situation of IF it has given me so much more then I ever thought possible. God always makes beautiful of something so ugly! Maybe I have a few loose screws, because I am so greatful for my IF! :) hehehehe I'm working on that post in my head. :); January 13, 2010 at 9:37 AM
Javetta Allen Mercadel said...: Hi! I just found your blog today through another blog. Like many who read here, I find comfort and renewed hope when I read about my felow cyber sisters who are in the same struggle as me. It particularly helps because there is not a single person in my life who has or is currently struggling with IF.

I really enjoyed today's post. It so clearly captures how I feel about IF. I never could place into the words that I love the patience, endurance, bonding with DH, and other lessons that have come because of IF, but I HATE the disease itself. You've helped me do that and now I know how to handle that going forward. Thanks :); January 13, 2010 at 12:58 PM
Lily said...: Wow - you featured my post - that's really cool. I really enjoyed your additional thoughts, especially your last sentence: "I can say with compete honesty that I never will embrace infertility itself, but I will always cherish the consequences: those things which make the journey bearable and the person I have become because of it." Powerful stuff. I'll definitely be checking back and hope you do, too.; January 13, 2010 at 4:51 PM
the misfit said...: I'm going to go with my stock "endured the cross, despising its shame" Scripture quote here - Christ accepted terrible suffering for the sake of a good OUTCOME. If our Lord didn't enjoy suffering for its own sake, I'm not sure that we are instructed to do so. (I understand the concept of a cross being an opportunity to unite ourselves to Christ, but, strictly speaking, that's not suffering for its own sake, either.) Also, infertility, like sickness, weakness, and natural sufferings (rather than the 'man-caused' type), deficiencies, and deformities of all other kinds, is an evil in the natural order of things, one that we're naturally and spiritually called to fight. Otherwise we'd be exhorted to starve the hungry, rather than feeding them...

OK, this wasn't the brief comment it was intended to be, but in sum, while there's nothing wrong with a spiritually mature gratitude for infertility if that's the way you roll, I'm confident there's no requirement to be grateful for the barrenness itself.; January 13, 2010 at 8:08 PM

TTC History

9/1/2007 - Married to a perfect man.

10/28/2007 - Started the never ending road of TTC at the tender age of 37. How many other people do you know who can name the exact date they started trying for a baby?

3/12/2007 - Decided my husband and I weren't getting anywhere on our own in TTC and and that it was time to look for someone who could help.

4/10/2008 - Attended our first CreightonModel Fertility Care class and started tracking my cycle.

4/25/2008 - Had our first one-on-one session with our FertilityCare practitioner. We learned a lot. She suggested an appointment with one of the practice doctors, Dr. Mark Stegman, a skilled Napro doctor and surgeon, we took her up on the offer. We might be able to get an appointment some time in August.

4/28/2008 - Got a call from a receptionist from Dr. Stegman's office. Could I come in next week? Yes!

5/5/2008 - My first appointment with Dr. Stegman. He was very thorough in discussing our options and a potential plan of action for us. We'll begin with blood work to establish a hormone profile series in my next cycle.

5/2008 - Blood work every other day for two weeks. The nurse at the front desk knew me by sight by the time we were done. I nearly passed out at the payment desk on the day they took 10 vials of blood. That was pleasant. Did I mention that I hate needles?

5/27/2008 - Our first seminal analysis (SA). We're not keen on the special condom meant for the job.

6/30/2008 - Our follow up appointment with Dr. Stegman to learn about the results of our tests and where we go from there. My blood work looks good. My husband's SA looks good, too, except for forward progression. We scored a 1+. I believe 2+ is the preferred score. Dr. S recommends Proxeed. He also tells us he wants to schedule a selective hysterosalpingogram, a hysteroscopy, and a laproscopy some time late summer or early fall.

7/30/2008 - Being too cheap to shell out over $600 for a 6-month supply of Proxeed, my husband and I opt for the generic equivalent. It's a lot of vitamins, but it's much kinder to our wallet.

9/8/2008 - I have the preliminary exam, blood work, and tests prior to my surgery. I'm so nervous, I'm about ready to run screaming out the door, down the steps, across the parking lot, and straight home so I can hide under the bed with the dog. It's a miracle that I don't.

9/9/2008 - I have the SHSG, hysteroscopy, and laparoscopy and, much to my surprise, I survive. My tubes are good (woo hoo!), and I have no adhesions. Dr. S removes three polyps and "quite a bit" of endometriosis. It doesn't look that bad in the pictures of the surgery. It's fascinating to see what I look like from the inside out.

9/10/2008 - 9/12/2008 - I look like Shamu.

10/30/2008 - We're told that everything from the surgery looks good. The scars will fade over the coming months. We're to try to make a baby on our own for the next 6 months. Dr. S calls this "the fun part."

1/30/2009 - We have another appointment with our FertilityCare practioner (we've had quite a few before this, but I haven't mentioned them). She thinks Dr. Stegman might try me on Clomid as a next step. I hope it's Femara. It's not nearly as drying.

2/3/2009 - We have our second SA. We're still not keen on the condom.

3/4/2009 - This is fun?

3/27/2009 - The scars from the laparoscopy are nearly gone. Oh, and I'm 39.

4/9/2009 - Another appointment with Dr. Stegman. We learned the results of the SA. The numbers are no worse than the first - in fact some are much improved - but forward progression is no better. Our plan of action: optimize mucus by taking Mucinex twice a day from CD8 - P+1 plus 500 mg of extended release B6 daily for 2 months followed by 100 mg daily. DH is to make an appointment with a local urologist while Dr. S contacts a urologist in Philly with an interest in male infertility to learn if there is any more we could be doing. Next follow up: August.

4/29/2009 - We - or more like DH - had our urologist appointment. Official dianosis: nothing. No varicoceles, no prostate problems. Prescription: continue doing what we're doing. For this we needed a urologist?

5/29/2009 - Dr. S is booked for the month of August! They said they'd call when August opened up for appointments. I didn't hear the phone ring. September opens up next week. An additional month of nothing. I'm 39 - Methuselah in TTC years. How many months do I have left?

7/16/2009 - Ho hum.

7/24/2009 - Another FerterlityCare appointment. Our FertilityCare practitioner, Kim Lane, suggested that Dr. S may be taking his cue from me as to how aggressively we want to pursue treatment. I need to come up with a few new cues so we can get off the wait-and-see treadmill.

9/17/2009 - Another follow-up with Dr. Stegman. Our plan starting with the next cycle: 1) Limited hormonal profile, 2) An ultrasound series to monitor follicle development, 3) Ovulation stimulation (type and amount to be determined by the u/s series), 4) Food intolerance testing (is it ALCAT?), 5) Five cycles of Amoxicillin from CD8 - CD12 to improve CM.

9/28/2009 - The beginning of another hormone profile and, a new one for me, a follicular ultrasound study. This should be interesting provided I can keep track of all the appointments.

10/4/2009 - 5th ultrasound and three follicles! Can you imagine? So what does that make FSH?

11/11/2009 - Progesterone and Thyroid support! We had another appointment with Dr. S to discuss the test results and come up with another plan of action. FSH and LH were only 5.7 and 5.1 respectively - good levels, good ratio - but TSH and Reverse T3 were slightly high and progesterone plummeted afer P+5. Ovulation looks great, so no ovulation stimulation . . . yet. Ah, well.

12/8/2009 - I am a fertility magnet. Anyone in my vicinity will, given the opportunity, become pregnant within a year, TTC or not. Whether it be a 20 year old woman or an 80 year old man, it doesn't matter. All those around me, as long as they're not actually me, will have a child. I am blessed with an awesome power. . . . How do I reverse the polarity?

1/27/2010 - BFP. Stunned.

1/28/2010 - I called Dr. S's office the moment they opened. We have blood work this afternoon, 200mg of Progesterone, and a prenatal appointment. Prenatal. With a midwife. I'm really pregnant. Me.

1/29/2010 - P+17 numbers are hCG, 472, and Progesterone, 10.2. PIO twice a week, Mondays and Thursdays. I can’t sit down, but I’m too restless to care. The HPT was right.

2/1/2010 - You do not make a desperate, hormonal woman wait for P+21 hCG results! By the way, they're 1670. I'm limp with relief.

2/11/2010 - There’s a baby in there! Our first ultrasound. Junior is measuring 6 weeks, 1 day with a heart rate of 96 bpm.

2/16/2010 - Progesterone results from the last blood draw haven’t budged, so we’re adding daily progesterone suppositories to the twice a week injections. I’ll do whatever it takes.

3/2/2010 - Progesterone has risen to 27.4, zone 3! No PIO for now, just suppositories until the next blood draw in two weeks. If it still looks good (fingers crossed), we may be able to stop the suppositories. Knock on wood, knock on wood, knock on wood . . . .

3/27/2010 - New decade: I'm 40!

4/5/2010 - No more progesterone. The level at the last blood draw is 30 which I don't think sounds particularly high. If the experts are happy, I'm happy. And the results from the Down Syndrome screening came back: we're at no greater risk for Downs than anyone else. We're breathing again, until the next milestone at least.

5/18/2010 - It’s a mobile, little girl! Keep growing, kiddo.

10/11/2010 - Welcome Kathleen Elizabeth.