The Infertile in Me

We are 19 weeks pregnant as of yesterday. I should be happy, thrilled, dancing for joy, all my frustrations, sadness, and fears stripped away as I watch this baby growing inside of me. You know what? I still feel infertile.

I am happy and thrilled and etc., but I feel as if I don't belong here. How can I be having a baby? Am I? I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop.

The odd thing is, I'm afraid to write or even think things like that, as if Fate will say, "Okay, you asked for it." I'm not asking for it, I'm really not. I'm afraid that whatever I say, do, think, or dream is going to jinx us. If I dare to think anything positive, a horrible negative must surely wipe it out. If I give into pessimism, that will signal the stars to align and bring the pessimism to life.

It's hard to let go of your infertile self after you've lived an infertile life. That's not to say I don't embrace this baby - I hope to do so literally in a few months - but it's certainly much more difficult than I imagined to move beyond the pessimism and believe (without knocking on more wood) that this could come to be.

Here's a few lines from an article that sums it all up:

Infertility causes a loss of innocence. It teaches people, in painful ways, that no matter how good a person one is and no matter how hard one tries, things can still go terribly wrong. It teaches us that we can't always plan the future, and that we are not always capable of meeting our life goals as we had envisioned them. Infertile people are acutely aware of how little control they have over their bodies, their daily lives and their emotions. They know all too well that children do not come easily, and they are constantly anticipating disaster. They do not take their pregnancy for granted and they often envision the occurrence of every possible -- real or imagined --
catastrophe. - http://www.drssfox.com/uploads/PREGNANCY%20AFTER%20INFERTILITY.htm

We went to Babies 'R Us last week looking for cribs. Can I tell you how alien that felt? This is a place I recently avoided at all costs, and for good reason. There are pregnant women everywhere. And tons of baby stuff (hence the name Babies 'R Us). Being there, I felt out of place. I also felt that in so blatantly acknowledging that we will soon have a need (oh heck, knocking on wood again) for a crib and other baby paraphernalia, that I might be tempting a mischievous fate. Oh, man, it's hard.