Challenges

It was not a smooth exodus from daycare. Kathleen really needed Miss Mae. She wasn’t in a great mood all morning. Then we get to daycare, walk through Miss Mae’s room even though Miss Mae is sitting right there, and put all her stuff into a cubby in the older toddler room. She was clingy. Whenever she thought I was making a move to leave, she panicked. It was terrible. I finally had to leave. She was crying as the substitute teacher held her trying to comfort her. Her little face was crinkled tears and wails as she looked at me through the window wanting me to come back. Horrible. What a way to feel like the worst mother.

It has me thinking about all the stages we've been through so far. First there was the newborn stage. Brand new baby and first time parents. She need constant, 24 x 7 attention. If you attempted to put her down in anything that was not the swing or someone's arms, she was instantly awake and crying, and even the swing was only an occasional accomplishment. This stage, I'd think as I sat there pumping for the sixth time that day willing her to stay asleep so I could finish, is the most difficult stage.

Then the newborn stage passed and we were on to infant stage. It wasn't much different from the newborn stage except that she was more awake and more aware and I eventually went back to work. She still needed 24 x 7 attention. She needed someone to burp her when she was gassy, change her when she was messy, feed her when she was hungry, and hold her when she needed the security of her parents' touch. You can't spoil an infant with too much attention: you can only strengthen their feeling of security and well being and secure them in the knowledge that their parents will always be there when they're needed. This must be the most difficult stage I'd often think at 5:00 in the morning (after another night of interrupted sleep) as I trudged exhausted into the living room to pump before work and prayed yet again that she'd sleep a little longer until I'd finished.

Her first birthday approached and passed and we entered early toddlerhood. She was mobile. She was beginning to communicate. She was able to entertain herself for brief periods. She was able to eat solid foods. We were over the threat of SIDS (although I still worry over it to this day as I walk into her room every night before bed to make sure she's still breathing). But her world was changing quickly - too quickly for her to easily adjust. She was clingier than ever. She was sensitive. She needed mommy or daddy to be there for her and with her all the time, the two constants in her world as her perceptions of the world changed with every developmental spurt - new and scary changes that she counted on her parents to help her through. Now surely this must be the most difficult stage.

Fast forward a few months. She's at the stage where she wants to establish her independence but she's not so sure she's ready. She still needs her parents to be the solid sources security she knows she can depend on. She wants the independence, but she is so easily frustrated in its quest. Either she's not yet physically capable of doing whatever it is she wants to do (that fork simply will not cooperate and try as she might, she still can't open the fridge to reach her sippy of milk on her own), or those two uncooperative sources of security won't let her (no, sweetie, we don't sit on the cat). Then we have the myriad of moments throughout the day when she's forced to do something she doesn't want to do and she has absolutlely no say about it (like going outside when she'd rather watch Mickey Mouse Club House or eating when she'd rather be playing). Or she's left crying in her new room in daycare wanting nothing more than for mommy to hold her while her source of security mommy walks out the door trying to hold back her own tears. This, I think to myself as I type this post, must be the most difficult stage.

It is, too. Every single stage is the most difficult. I always think that surely the next must be easier - and it always is - but every new stage brings its own set of challenges that need to be faced. It's hard.

I'm sure she'll be over the transition to the older toddler room by next week, especially when her regular teacher comes back (she's substituting in the infant room while that teacher is on her honeymoon). She'll have her new routine in place. It may go faster yet if I can remember to bring her Minnie, her new lovey of choice, with her. Then we can face the next challenge: her second birthday.