Impatiently waiting for my appointment with Dr. S tomorrow afternoon. I'm not sure what will come of it - I can only hope good things. I have to. My attitude about all of this has been abysmal. I've turned into a pessimist, and I'm questioning God left and right.
If I'm being truthful, I have to say that I'm disappointed in Him. He's let me down, even in the simple things. I'm sure there's much more that I'm not seeing - especially in the mood I'm in - but I'm tired of trying to interpret what He's telling me.
If He has a message to communicate to me, make it obvious. Communication fails if the person who's meant to receive the message can't interpret it. I learned that in Business 101. I know to keep my messages simple so I know they won't be misinterpreted. Makes sense. Why does God have a problem with that? Where's the burning bush? Let's stop making everything so obscure! Hm? That's a hint (I shout in a frustrated voice to the sky)!
Having said that, I'm sure I've let Him down, too. How precisely? I don't know, He hasn't told me. I suspect my flagging faith in His concern for me might be one way. He's not guiding me through the difficult points. I don't feel it. I try to remember the story of the footprints in the sand - when things are hardest, that's when He's carrying us - but like the author of the story, it feels very much like I'm alone and abandoned by Him. To be clear, I know I'm not, but He's not making it easy to feel His presence, and I'm in no mood to make an effort to do so.
Perhaps I'm like a child who's asking her parents for things that aren't in her best interest. But unlike God, at least the parents are very much in evidence to explain to the child why she's not getting what she wants. She may put up a fuss, but at least she knows that she's not getting it and why. What she so desperately desires isn't continually dangled in front of her like a @&#$% carrot.
God speaks in riddles and plays games of hide and seek. My life is not a game.
In spite of all this, I still have faith. Heaven only knows how. I pray every day asking God for his blessing and guidance. I wouldn’t feel right if I didn't. I may not believe He's listening to a thing I'm saying right now or that He cares a whit about my concerns, but I believe He hears me. I'd be lost if He weren't in my life. I'm honest enough to acknowledge that He's likely sending me messages left and right but the TTC blinders are hiding them from me. I'm also honest enough to realize that I'm being childish in wanting to be mad at someone for this whole, lousy situation, and He's my current target (yes, I'm mad at God, as ungrateful as that sounds). I'll get over it. Hopefully, He'll have the patience to wait me out until I work my way through this. I may be 83 by that point, but what's a few years to God?
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