Praying For Hope: I can't think straight

Thursday, January 28, 2010

I can't think straight

I'm still shaking. Maybe no one can see it, but I can feel it. I can't concentrate. We're pregnant.

I hadn't intended to test last night. I certainly hadn't intended to waste a digital stick on a BFN, but I didn't realize it was the one digital in the box until I flipped off the cap. It was positive.

I'll be 40 in two months. In fact, it was two months yesterday, when I tested. I wasn't expecting a BFP. I'd convinced myself a BFP would never be part of my future. I was P+16 yesterday, but that meant nothing for me. I don't get BFPs.

Things like this don't happen to me. Miracles? They don't happen to me. I was due for a life a disappointments, what-ifs, and avoiding baby showers.

God, please, I'm begging You, don't take this away from me. I'm spotting. I have been since P+10. I'm so afraid to lose this after never believing I'd get to this point. Thank You for this wonderful thing. But please, don't take our baby away. You make miracles happen. I know I'm being selfish: you just gave me a miracle, but I'm asking for another. Please. Give us this. Give us our healthy, prefect, little baby.

23 comments:

Sew said...: Do you have any progesterone anywhere??? GEt on it, go home get it and take it!..It's not a guarantee....But it might help. Have you called the doctor?

Congratulations!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Enjoy that little soul that just made you a Mother!; January 28, 2010 at 10:37 AM
Kim said...: Oh My Gosh!!!!! YAY!!!!!!!! Yippppppeeeeee! The spotting can be normal....so try not to worry too much!!! Praying for you!!! So all the symptoms you have been experiencing can be from the BFP!!!!! WOOOOO HOO!!!; January 28, 2010 at 10:39 AM
A said...: WOW!!!! That is awesome!!!!! Congrats!!!; January 28, 2010 at 10:41 AM
Praying for Hope said...: I called the FS the moment they opened. I have blood work scheduled for the afternoon. After speaking with Dr. S, I'm also to start on 200mg of Progesterone. Still shaking. In spite of the worries, I'll take them. I welcome them as long as they continue for another 8 or so months.; January 28, 2010 at 10:53 AM
... said...: Om my!!!!!!!!! Congratulations!!!!!! Update! Update! Update!; January 28, 2010 at 11:14 AM
Leila@LittleCatholicBubble said...: PRAISE GOD!!!!! What a gift! We are all praying!!!! (BTW, my sister spotted all the way through three healthy pregnancies.); January 28, 2010 at 11:35 AM
Cathy said...: Ohmygosh!
What a beautiful post to read. You made my day, and I don't even know you!

Congrats, hang in there, Mama.; January 28, 2010 at 12:04 PM
Praying for Hope said...: Thank you all! I know spotting can be normal for some, and it's VERY good to know others had no problems in spite of it. Don't like it, but I'll accept it if that's the way it's going to be.; January 28, 2010 at 12:05 PM
Praying for Hope said...: I'll update a little later. :) Suffice it to say, we're stunned, happy, and nervous. I kept looking at the test throughout the evening wating for it to say, oops, sorry, I meant No. But it still showed Yes.; January 28, 2010 at 12:08 PM
Joy Complete said...: Congratulations! I have been lurking on your blog for a little while now and I am so glad you have a miracle baby! I'm really sorry to hear about the spotting and will definitely keep you in prayer. You are in good hands with Dr. S (I am a patient of his too). You have probably already gotten your tests run, but if not, see if he will order them STAT. Then you will get results today.; January 28, 2010 at 12:34 PM
Praying for Hope said...: Blood work's this afternoon, but he's already told the nurse I'm to be on Progesterone. I love hearing about other patient's of Dr. Stegman's. :); January 28, 2010 at 12:43 PM
tiffany said...: You already know that spotting can be normal, but just thought I'd add in my details. I started spotting around 5 weeks, and did so off and on until around 13 weeks. I'm 34 now.

Praying for you and your little one. Congratulations!!!!; January 28, 2010 at 12:51 PM
Alive in HOPE! said...: I just stumbled across your blog and had to write... Congratulations!! Praying for you...; January 28, 2010 at 2:10 PM
Praying for Hope said...: I really, really want to thank everyone for the congrats. I can't say enough how much I appreciate it.; January 28, 2010 at 2:21 PM
prayerfuljourney said...: OMG!!! So excited for you!!!! and your dh, of course!! So awesome! Praying everything goes well for you and your little one.; January 28, 2010 at 2:26 PM
Percolating Petals said...: Good for you!! Praying that God will soothe your nerves!; January 28, 2010 at 2:30 PM
Shannon said...: PRAYING PRAYING!!!!! WOW!; January 28, 2010 at 3:46 PM
Amy @ This Cross I Embrace said...: OMGoodness!!!!! I am THRILLED beyond belief for you!!!! I have been thinking about you a lot lately, and really hoping this was in your future - now it's your present!!!! (And what a present it is!)

I'm also thrilled to see that you are ecstatic (while nervous, which is completely understandable and I would feel the same way). It is evident that you are SO THANKFUL for the wonderful miracle you've already been given. I will pray my heart out for you that this baby was intended for our world and to be raised by two of the most lovely people :)

CONGRATULATIONS!!!; January 28, 2010 at 6:02 PM
Life In Mazes said...: Congratulations! Praying for you and your growing family! So glad your doctor is on the ball!; January 28, 2010 at 10:12 PM
Joy Beyond the Cross said...: What a blessing you have been given! I prayed for you on the way home from work tonight. Grow little baby, grow! God Bless, Marie; January 29, 2010 at 12:02 AM
Grace in my Heart said...: Congratulations! :) What a miracle!; January 29, 2010 at 12:00 PM
Jeremiah 29:11 said...: Congrats!! SO thrilled to hear your good news! :); January 29, 2010 at 1:15 PM
E said...: Congratulations!!!!!!!!! God is definately in the miracle business and He provides. Please email and we can chat. I know how it feels to be so scared. :); January 30, 2010 at 11:13 AM

TTC History

9/1/2007 - Married to a perfect man.

10/28/2007 - Started the never ending road of TTC at the tender age of 37. How many other people do you know who can name the exact date they started trying for a baby?

3/12/2007 - Decided my husband and I weren't getting anywhere on our own in TTC and and that it was time to look for someone who could help.

4/10/2008 - Attended our first CreightonModel Fertility Care class and started tracking my cycle.

4/25/2008 - Had our first one-on-one session with our FertilityCare practitioner. We learned a lot. She suggested an appointment with one of the practice doctors, Dr. Mark Stegman, a skilled Napro doctor and surgeon, we took her up on the offer. We might be able to get an appointment some time in August.

4/28/2008 - Got a call from a receptionist from Dr. Stegman's office. Could I come in next week? Yes!

5/5/2008 - My first appointment with Dr. Stegman. He was very thorough in discussing our options and a potential plan of action for us. We'll begin with blood work to establish a hormone profile series in my next cycle.

5/2008 - Blood work every other day for two weeks. The nurse at the front desk knew me by sight by the time we were done. I nearly passed out at the payment desk on the day they took 10 vials of blood. That was pleasant. Did I mention that I hate needles?

5/27/2008 - Our first seminal analysis (SA). We're not keen on the special condom meant for the job.

6/30/2008 - Our follow up appointment with Dr. Stegman to learn about the results of our tests and where we go from there. My blood work looks good. My husband's SA looks good, too, except for forward progression. We scored a 1+. I believe 2+ is the preferred score. Dr. S recommends Proxeed. He also tells us he wants to schedule a selective hysterosalpingogram, a hysteroscopy, and a laproscopy some time late summer or early fall.

7/30/2008 - Being too cheap to shell out over $600 for a 6-month supply of Proxeed, my husband and I opt for the generic equivalent. It's a lot of vitamins, but it's much kinder to our wallet.

9/8/2008 - I have the preliminary exam, blood work, and tests prior to my surgery. I'm so nervous, I'm about ready to run screaming out the door, down the steps, across the parking lot, and straight home so I can hide under the bed with the dog. It's a miracle that I don't.

9/9/2008 - I have the SHSG, hysteroscopy, and laparoscopy and, much to my surprise, I survive. My tubes are good (woo hoo!), and I have no adhesions. Dr. S removes three polyps and "quite a bit" of endometriosis. It doesn't look that bad in the pictures of the surgery. It's fascinating to see what I look like from the inside out.

9/10/2008 - 9/12/2008 - I look like Shamu.

10/30/2008 - We're told that everything from the surgery looks good. The scars will fade over the coming months. We're to try to make a baby on our own for the next 6 months. Dr. S calls this "the fun part."

1/30/2009 - We have another appointment with our FertilityCare practioner (we've had quite a few before this, but I haven't mentioned them). She thinks Dr. Stegman might try me on Clomid as a next step. I hope it's Femara. It's not nearly as drying.

2/3/2009 - We have our second SA. We're still not keen on the condom.

3/4/2009 - This is fun?

3/27/2009 - The scars from the laparoscopy are nearly gone. Oh, and I'm 39.

4/9/2009 - Another appointment with Dr. Stegman. We learned the results of the SA. The numbers are no worse than the first - in fact some are much improved - but forward progression is no better. Our plan of action: optimize mucus by taking Mucinex twice a day from CD8 - P+1 plus 500 mg of extended release B6 daily for 2 months followed by 100 mg daily. DH is to make an appointment with a local urologist while Dr. S contacts a urologist in Philly with an interest in male infertility to learn if there is any more we could be doing. Next follow up: August.

4/29/2009 - We - or more like DH - had our urologist appointment. Official dianosis: nothing. No varicoceles, no prostate problems. Prescription: continue doing what we're doing. For this we needed a urologist?

5/29/2009 - Dr. S is booked for the month of August! They said they'd call when August opened up for appointments. I didn't hear the phone ring. September opens up next week. An additional month of nothing. I'm 39 - Methuselah in TTC years. How many months do I have left?

7/16/2009 - Ho hum.

7/24/2009 - Another FerterlityCare appointment. Our FertilityCare practitioner, Kim Lane, suggested that Dr. S may be taking his cue from me as to how aggressively we want to pursue treatment. I need to come up with a few new cues so we can get off the wait-and-see treadmill.

9/17/2009 - Another follow-up with Dr. Stegman. Our plan starting with the next cycle: 1) Limited hormonal profile, 2) An ultrasound series to monitor follicle development, 3) Ovulation stimulation (type and amount to be determined by the u/s series), 4) Food intolerance testing (is it ALCAT?), 5) Five cycles of Amoxicillin from CD8 - CD12 to improve CM.

9/28/2009 - The beginning of another hormone profile and, a new one for me, a follicular ultrasound study. This should be interesting provided I can keep track of all the appointments.

10/4/2009 - 5th ultrasound and three follicles! Can you imagine? So what does that make FSH?

11/11/2009 - Progesterone and Thyroid support! We had another appointment with Dr. S to discuss the test results and come up with another plan of action. FSH and LH were only 5.7 and 5.1 respectively - good levels, good ratio - but TSH and Reverse T3 were slightly high and progesterone plummeted afer P+5. Ovulation looks great, so no ovulation stimulation . . . yet. Ah, well.

12/8/2009 - I am a fertility magnet. Anyone in my vicinity will, given the opportunity, become pregnant within a year, TTC or not. Whether it be a 20 year old woman or an 80 year old man, it doesn't matter. All those around me, as long as they're not actually me, will have a child. I am blessed with an awesome power. . . . How do I reverse the polarity?

1/27/2010 - BFP. Stunned.

1/28/2010 - I called Dr. S's office the moment they opened. We have blood work this afternoon, 200mg of Progesterone, and a prenatal appointment. Prenatal. With a midwife. I'm really pregnant. Me.

1/29/2010 - P+17 numbers are hCG, 472, and Progesterone, 10.2. PIO twice a week, Mondays and Thursdays. I can’t sit down, but I’m too restless to care. The HPT was right.

2/1/2010 - You do not make a desperate, hormonal woman wait for P+21 hCG results! By the way, they're 1670. I'm limp with relief.

2/11/2010 - There’s a baby in there! Our first ultrasound. Junior is measuring 6 weeks, 1 day with a heart rate of 96 bpm.

2/16/2010 - Progesterone results from the last blood draw haven’t budged, so we’re adding daily progesterone suppositories to the twice a week injections. I’ll do whatever it takes.

3/2/2010 - Progesterone has risen to 27.4, zone 3! No PIO for now, just suppositories until the next blood draw in two weeks. If it still looks good (fingers crossed), we may be able to stop the suppositories. Knock on wood, knock on wood, knock on wood . . . .

3/27/2010 - New decade: I'm 40!

4/5/2010 - No more progesterone. The level at the last blood draw is 30 which I don't think sounds particularly high. If the experts are happy, I'm happy. And the results from the Down Syndrome screening came back: we're at no greater risk for Downs than anyone else. We're breathing again, until the next milestone at least.

5/18/2010 - It’s a mobile, little girl! Keep growing, kiddo.

10/11/2010 - Welcome Kathleen Elizabeth.