The story and thank you

Maybe I should have put the thank you first, because I cannot put into words how incredibly grateful I am for all the congratulations and support. Maybe it's hormones or maybe it's the bruising in my bum, but I want to cry. Thank you so much. I am most definitely humbled.

Now for the story . . .

I wasn't planning to test on Wednesday night. AF never showed later than P+16 and I wanted to give her every chance to save me the cost of a wasted HPT.

DH and I were on the couch watching a movie - DH later pointed out the irony that it was Yes Man - when I had to use the bathroom. I'd had a cup of tea which goes straight through me. Walking back the hall, I thought, why not. I'm going to test. I thought I'd get the BFN out of the way and wouldn't need to worry about it for the rest of the night.

I dug for the box of First Responses buried at the back of my sink. I didn't realize until after I'd ripped open a packet and popped off the cap that it was a digital test. I didn't know there were any digitals in the box. I thought, it's a shame to waste it on a BFN. Oh, well. And I POAS'd.

Belatedly, I read the directions. I was supposed to let it blink for about three seconds until the little clock was stable before using it. I'm pretty sure I did. It had to take at least that long for me to realize it was digital. Then I was supposed to point it down and put the cap back on after use. Shoot, I had it lying horizontally and the cap wasn't completely on. As I was fumbling to snap it back into place, I saw the result window had stopped blinking. I looked, hating what I was going to see but resolved to get the worst over with. Yes?. . . . No. . . . No way. . . . No. It was Yes? I stared at it. No. That couldn't be. I stared some more.

I calmly walked out of the bathroom and found DH at the computer. I called his name as I walked in, holding the test out in front of me. He looked at me. He looked at what I was holding. It took him a few seconds to register what I had and another few to be able to make out what it said. I was shaking so badly I couldn't hold it still. Then I saw the look I'd been wanting to see for so long: wonder and shock. He got up and hugged me. I could feel my heart pounding. He was stunned. He smiled. It was a wonderful smile.

I spent the next hour with that test in my hand. I couldn't believe it. I kept looking at it over and over again waiting for it to change to No, the proper response for any HPT I happen to take. It didn't change.

I hope this feeling of awe and stunned amazement never goes away.

It's still unreal. I've spent so long thinking of it in the abstract, I'm having problems believing it's really happening. I feel as if I'm on the sidelines watching this happening to someone else. That's the way it's always been. I'm playing house or dress up. It's all pretend. Except that it isn't. This will take some serious readjustment of my thoughts. I've never been so happy for a challenge.

I called Dr. Stegman's office first thing in the morning yesterday. I was able to come in for blood work during the afternoon and, per Dr. S's instructions, experience Progesterone In Oil (PIO) injections for the first time. I nearly passed out after the first one. I'm not big on needles, but this time, it wasn't the needle causing the problem. I could feel the stuff going in. My mind rebelled. I was able to lay down for the second which was a huge improvement. The injections are leaving me incredibly sore today, but I don't mind. At the very least, they should teach me to sit up straight, because I certainly cannot sit as I normally do. I can't find a comfortable cheek.

It looks like I'll need to continue the injections for some time. Dr. S called us last night to give us the numbers, but we were out. So he sent an email. He started out by saying, "You are definitely pregnant!" I can't tell you how happy I was to read that. Until then, I couldn't get it out of my head that the HPT must be wrong. It wasn't. HCG was 472, good for P+17. Progesterone, a little low at 10.2. I'll be going back in on Monday to test HCG to make sure is rising well, but we'll be continuing the PIO injections twice a week and repeat the blood work every two weeks to keep tabs on progesterone levels. For now, I think it's doing something: the spotting appears to have stopped.

This cannot be happening to me.

I feel bad now. During my lowest points, I challenged God. I vented my frustration and let Him how disappointment I was in Him (cheeky, I know). I told Him I didn't believe that He was listening or cared. I knew it was impossible for us ever to get pregnant without His help. I didn't believe that He was helping us at all, and I challenged Him to prove me wrong. He did.