Praying For Hope: Petrified

Monday, February 1, 2010

Petrified

I don't have any particular reason to be, I just am. I've been spotting off and on, but it's been pink and light and pretty much constant since P+10. Progesterone was low on P+17, so it's no surprise. I still don't like it. I'm also doing my best not to analyze every single twinge and cramp. They are normal, apparently, but they don't help the nerves.

I'm truly afraid to take any joy in this pregnancy. I'm afraid to acknowledge that it will continue and we'll have a healthy baby at the end of it. I'm afraid that Fate will swoop in and take it all away if I dare to not worry about it every minute. I have been happy about it and DH and I have been discussing our future with our baby, but I've been knocking on every stick of wood I can find to keep from jinxing anything. Who knew I was so superstitious? It's going to make for a long, long trimester. Whatever it takes, though.

I was trying to think what did the trick. Why was this month different from any other (I'm doing my best not to knock on any wood at this moment in the belief that even thinking this stuff will bring on the baby snatchers)? All I can think is that the addition of the Progesterone a few cycles back and the upping of the Thyroid at Christmas is what pushed me to where I needed to be. That, combined with the Amoxicillin, Mucinex, and B6 made for the proper combination of CM and hormones.

I'm convinced that DH's continued use of the generic Proxeed (we bought all the vitamins separately) played a large role. His motility wasn't great when we tested last February - in fact, in spite of several months' use of generic Proxeed by that point, it hadn't budged at all from the previous SA - but here we are. Something found the egg. I can guarantee it came from DH. I imagine that the generic Proxeed improved his other numbers enough to compensate for the forward progression.

Today is the 2nd Beta and another round of PIO. I didn't realize I'd forgotten my heating pad until after I got to work. I definitely have an ice pack, however. It's in my lunch bag keepng my lunch cool. It will be pulling double duty in a few hours.

12 comments:

Kim said...: Your anxiousness is comepletely understandable. Whenever you catch yourself worrying, just stop and do a breathing exercise. Inhale to the count of 4 and exhale to the count of 4 a few times and hopefully when your done, your mind will be clear. Perhaps there is some sort of affirmation you can repeat that will bring you comfort. Here are a few examples, just saying them over and over might make you feel better too
Hope this helps!!!

I handle all my experiences with wisdom, with love and with ease.

I am happy healthy and pregnant.

I choose to be peaceful, calm and harmonious.; February 1, 2010 at 9:56 AM
Cathy said...: Kim's got good advice! Are you familiar with Hypnobabies, Kim?
That's what your comment reminds me of, and that helped me to relax SO MUCH.; February 1, 2010 at 10:07 AM
... said...: I understand how scared you are and I don't really have any advice, but this is what you've been praying so hard for. Every little milestone you are going to get calmer and calmer. Don't be afraid to be happy. There is life in your womb! May God bless you, DH, & little baby.; February 1, 2010 at 10:18 AM
Anonymous said...: Just reading this now...man, I am so happy for you! I understand being scared, that is totally normal after all you have been though!
I'll pray for your peace of mind so that you can enjoy being PREGNANT! AH!; February 1, 2010 at 11:48 AM
Amy @ This Cross I Embrace said...: "Something found the egg. I can gaurantee it came from DH." HAHAHAHA!!! I didn't know that was up for debate!!!

I can imagine your fear, but worrying won't change anything. (Easier said than done, I know, I'm a worrywart myself.) But just keep telling yourself, no amount of worry is going to change the outcome. You are doing what is medically necessary to sustain, and RIGHT NOW you are PREGNANT! So just try your hardest to live in the moment, and enjoy every second of this HEAVENLY BLISS! (That's what Sew did, and she doesn't regret it at all! I hope to do the same someday.); February 1, 2010 at 12:13 PM
Praying for Hope said...: I know, I know, live in the moment. Someone else on a baby board I follow told me that too. It's good advice. I keep telling myself to get out of my head. I'm fine when I acknowledge there's life outside my own thoughts. And don't keep analyzing every sign.

I choose to be peaceful, calm and harmonious.

I choose to be peaceful, calm and harmonious.

I choose to be peaceful, calm and harmonious.

Ohm, ohm, ohm . . .; February 1, 2010 at 12:39 PM
prayerfuljourney said...: I'm sure I'd be petrified too. Somehow, someway...I hope you find a method that will help you relax and enjoy the pregnancy you have so longed for. Sounds like you are in good hands with the dr's, etc. Praying for you.; February 1, 2010 at 1:04 PM
Hua said...: I am so happy for you! Your anxiety is completely normal, however don't let that get to you. You need to focus on the positives rather than the negatives. Everything will turn out how it is supposed to.

Best,
Hua
Director of Blogger Networks
wellsphere.com; February 1, 2010 at 5:19 PM
... said...: Thinking of you today. Hope all is well.; February 2, 2010 at 9:56 AM
the misfit said...: Praying that the baby snatchers remain in their dungeons where they belong.

I don't suppose you'd be willing to share the ingredients for that generic proxeed? (If you've posted them previously, I apologize for missing them.); February 2, 2010 at 12:47 PM
Praying for Hope said...: Sure thing. The ingredients for Proxeed are actually listed on the website, www.proxeed.com. Below are the amounts in one dose. It's taken twice a day.

L-carnitine (fumarate) - 1 g
Acetyl-L-carnitine - 0.5 g
Fructose - 1 g
Citric acid - 50 mg
Selenium - 50 mcg
Coenzyme Q10 - 20 mg
Vitamin C - 90 mg
Zinc - 10 mg
Folic acid - 200 mcg
Vitamin B12 - 1.5 mcg

We didn't do all of the vitimins. Some of them were already part of DH's multi. We bought the Q10, Zinc, Vitamin C, L-Carnitine, and Acetyl L-Carnitine. We weren't willing to pay anywhere from $125 for a one month supply to $675 for a six month supply. Call us frugal.; February 2, 2010 at 1:36 PM
Praying for Hope said...: I can't type today.; February 2, 2010 at 1:36 PM

TTC History

9/1/2007 - Married to a perfect man.

10/28/2007 - Started the never ending road of TTC at the tender age of 37. How many other people do you know who can name the exact date they started trying for a baby?

3/12/2007 - Decided my husband and I weren't getting anywhere on our own in TTC and and that it was time to look for someone who could help.

4/10/2008 - Attended our first CreightonModel Fertility Care class and started tracking my cycle.

4/25/2008 - Had our first one-on-one session with our FertilityCare practitioner. We learned a lot. She suggested an appointment with one of the practice doctors, Dr. Mark Stegman, a skilled Napro doctor and surgeon, we took her up on the offer. We might be able to get an appointment some time in August.

4/28/2008 - Got a call from a receptionist from Dr. Stegman's office. Could I come in next week? Yes!

5/5/2008 - My first appointment with Dr. Stegman. He was very thorough in discussing our options and a potential plan of action for us. We'll begin with blood work to establish a hormone profile series in my next cycle.

5/2008 - Blood work every other day for two weeks. The nurse at the front desk knew me by sight by the time we were done. I nearly passed out at the payment desk on the day they took 10 vials of blood. That was pleasant. Did I mention that I hate needles?

5/27/2008 - Our first seminal analysis (SA). We're not keen on the special condom meant for the job.

6/30/2008 - Our follow up appointment with Dr. Stegman to learn about the results of our tests and where we go from there. My blood work looks good. My husband's SA looks good, too, except for forward progression. We scored a 1+. I believe 2+ is the preferred score. Dr. S recommends Proxeed. He also tells us he wants to schedule a selective hysterosalpingogram, a hysteroscopy, and a laproscopy some time late summer or early fall.

7/30/2008 - Being too cheap to shell out over $600 for a 6-month supply of Proxeed, my husband and I opt for the generic equivalent. It's a lot of vitamins, but it's much kinder to our wallet.

9/8/2008 - I have the preliminary exam, blood work, and tests prior to my surgery. I'm so nervous, I'm about ready to run screaming out the door, down the steps, across the parking lot, and straight home so I can hide under the bed with the dog. It's a miracle that I don't.

9/9/2008 - I have the SHSG, hysteroscopy, and laparoscopy and, much to my surprise, I survive. My tubes are good (woo hoo!), and I have no adhesions. Dr. S removes three polyps and "quite a bit" of endometriosis. It doesn't look that bad in the pictures of the surgery. It's fascinating to see what I look like from the inside out.

9/10/2008 - 9/12/2008 - I look like Shamu.

10/30/2008 - We're told that everything from the surgery looks good. The scars will fade over the coming months. We're to try to make a baby on our own for the next 6 months. Dr. S calls this "the fun part."

1/30/2009 - We have another appointment with our FertilityCare practioner (we've had quite a few before this, but I haven't mentioned them). She thinks Dr. Stegman might try me on Clomid as a next step. I hope it's Femara. It's not nearly as drying.

2/3/2009 - We have our second SA. We're still not keen on the condom.

3/4/2009 - This is fun?

3/27/2009 - The scars from the laparoscopy are nearly gone. Oh, and I'm 39.

4/9/2009 - Another appointment with Dr. Stegman. We learned the results of the SA. The numbers are no worse than the first - in fact some are much improved - but forward progression is no better. Our plan of action: optimize mucus by taking Mucinex twice a day from CD8 - P+1 plus 500 mg of extended release B6 daily for 2 months followed by 100 mg daily. DH is to make an appointment with a local urologist while Dr. S contacts a urologist in Philly with an interest in male infertility to learn if there is any more we could be doing. Next follow up: August.

4/29/2009 - We - or more like DH - had our urologist appointment. Official dianosis: nothing. No varicoceles, no prostate problems. Prescription: continue doing what we're doing. For this we needed a urologist?

5/29/2009 - Dr. S is booked for the month of August! They said they'd call when August opened up for appointments. I didn't hear the phone ring. September opens up next week. An additional month of nothing. I'm 39 - Methuselah in TTC years. How many months do I have left?

7/16/2009 - Ho hum.

7/24/2009 - Another FerterlityCare appointment. Our FertilityCare practitioner, Kim Lane, suggested that Dr. S may be taking his cue from me as to how aggressively we want to pursue treatment. I need to come up with a few new cues so we can get off the wait-and-see treadmill.

9/17/2009 - Another follow-up with Dr. Stegman. Our plan starting with the next cycle: 1) Limited hormonal profile, 2) An ultrasound series to monitor follicle development, 3) Ovulation stimulation (type and amount to be determined by the u/s series), 4) Food intolerance testing (is it ALCAT?), 5) Five cycles of Amoxicillin from CD8 - CD12 to improve CM.

9/28/2009 - The beginning of another hormone profile and, a new one for me, a follicular ultrasound study. This should be interesting provided I can keep track of all the appointments.

10/4/2009 - 5th ultrasound and three follicles! Can you imagine? So what does that make FSH?

11/11/2009 - Progesterone and Thyroid support! We had another appointment with Dr. S to discuss the test results and come up with another plan of action. FSH and LH were only 5.7 and 5.1 respectively - good levels, good ratio - but TSH and Reverse T3 were slightly high and progesterone plummeted afer P+5. Ovulation looks great, so no ovulation stimulation . . . yet. Ah, well.

12/8/2009 - I am a fertility magnet. Anyone in my vicinity will, given the opportunity, become pregnant within a year, TTC or not. Whether it be a 20 year old woman or an 80 year old man, it doesn't matter. All those around me, as long as they're not actually me, will have a child. I am blessed with an awesome power. . . . How do I reverse the polarity?

1/27/2010 - BFP. Stunned.

1/28/2010 - I called Dr. S's office the moment they opened. We have blood work this afternoon, 200mg of Progesterone, and a prenatal appointment. Prenatal. With a midwife. I'm really pregnant. Me.

1/29/2010 - P+17 numbers are hCG, 472, and Progesterone, 10.2. PIO twice a week, Mondays and Thursdays. I can’t sit down, but I’m too restless to care. The HPT was right.

2/1/2010 - You do not make a desperate, hormonal woman wait for P+21 hCG results! By the way, they're 1670. I'm limp with relief.

2/11/2010 - There’s a baby in there! Our first ultrasound. Junior is measuring 6 weeks, 1 day with a heart rate of 96 bpm.

2/16/2010 - Progesterone results from the last blood draw haven’t budged, so we’re adding daily progesterone suppositories to the twice a week injections. I’ll do whatever it takes.

3/2/2010 - Progesterone has risen to 27.4, zone 3! No PIO for now, just suppositories until the next blood draw in two weeks. If it still looks good (fingers crossed), we may be able to stop the suppositories. Knock on wood, knock on wood, knock on wood . . . .

3/27/2010 - New decade: I'm 40!

4/5/2010 - No more progesterone. The level at the last blood draw is 30 which I don't think sounds particularly high. If the experts are happy, I'm happy. And the results from the Down Syndrome screening came back: we're at no greater risk for Downs than anyone else. We're breathing again, until the next milestone at least.

5/18/2010 - It’s a mobile, little girl! Keep growing, kiddo.

10/11/2010 - Welcome Kathleen Elizabeth.