Fatigue, clumsiness, the usual worry, and the Internet

I'm still dealing with the insomnia. It's not going away nor do I expect it to. I spend most of my days exhausted. I have an inkling that anemia may be contributing to some of that. I'll find out tomorrow after the blood work and glucose screening.

I've become an absolute klutz lately. Nearly every shirt I've worn since the beginning of July has had something spilled on it, including the pristine, never worn white dress shirt. Spaghetti sauce for that one. Last week, I burned myself twice while making the same meal. The first wasn't bad, but the second is still sore. And Sunday, I sliced the tip of my finger while cutting fruit for lunch. Blood dripping everywhere. I didn't dare show DH or he'd have worried. I covered it with a Band-Aid after it stopped bleeding and spent the rest of the day hitting it against just about everything you can imagine. Fortunately, it's healing, so the impact with various immovable objects don't hurt as much now. And I can type again.

Hmm, what else? Oh, the black and blue marks. I'm bumping into everything. I have a myriad of bruises over my body. If someone were to see me without clothes, I'm sure they'd think DH was abusing me. He's not, let's get that straight, nor would he ever. I don't need him to abuse me. I'm doing a very good job of it on my own.

I'm hoping the klutziness stems from the muzziness of sleeplessness that's taken over my life. I do dumb things when I don't get enough rest.

I've now moved into another stage of worry. We're at a stage in our pregnancy where, if she were born now, our daughter would have a good chance of survival. I still worry that something will happen and we won't have a happy, healthy, living baby at the end of this, but the worries in this area aren't as prominent as they once were.

Now I worry about the birth. I worry about my health - surviving it alive and intact - and hers. I worry about my husband. I worry about the possibility of a c-section (two of three high school and college classmates who had babies this month had c-sections). I worry about post-partum. I worry about getting an epidural and the pain if I don't get one.

And when I worry, I Google, which inevitably causes me to worry more. You know, I Google about completely innocent things just to learn what to expect (like the stages of birth or Braxton Hicks contractions or getting an epidural). I don't look for trouble. I don't seek out the problems which can crop up. I don't want to know. But I come across horror stories anyway. Dr. Google is too informative for its own (and my own) good. I've gotten better at avoiding the things I don't want to see, but gloom and doom still lurk in the corners of every Internet article. Surfers beware.

Oh, I also worry about blogging about this stuff. I hate to hurt those still caught up in TTC. Reading about someone else's pregnancy leaves something to be desired while you're still trying with no guarantee of success. But I want to journal this for those IFers who may become pregnant and want to know what they can expect. It's helped me to read what others are going through. I'm sorry if some of my topics hurt. I really don't want to cause others to feel bad about themselves or become jealous of what I'm still surprised to have myself. I hope I'm writing with sensitivity. You can't be sure how something will come across when you're the one doing the writing.